Finally, a question worth a blog post:

Question: Why do women say they want a “nice guy” but then won’t have anything to do with someone who really is a nice guy. Instead, they go for the guys that treat them like dirt. And then they complain about it!

Women are liars and/or stupid. Usually both. The truth is, there is no challenge in a nice guy. If he’s already everything you want, how are you going to force him to change to make you happy? The other thing? Guys that women find attractive generally KNOW that women find them attractive. They don’t NEED to be nice, and they get a perverse pleasure out of treating girls like shit and still getting to have sex with them. Besides, they’re always going to have their too fat/too skinny/too geeky/too homely/too boring NICE GUY friend to cry to about what a dick their boyfriend is. And because he’s such a nice guy, he’ll console her, and listen to her cry, all the while wondering a) what he has done wrong in his life to deserve this torment b) why she can’t see that I’m everything she’s ever said she wanted, minus washboard abs c) how do I continue to have the inner strength not to choke her to death right now? And just when hes wondering if he should just commit suicide instead, she’ll tell him how much she cherishes his friendship, and that he’s like a brother to me!

Here’s a tip, ladies. Next time you have a guy friend and you’re about to tell him that you think of him like a brother, instead cut off his dick and shoot him in the face. It would be more humane. Then run back to your douchebag frat-boy boyfriend. You deserve him.

That said, guys, you share some blame in this. Step one: don’t befriend single girls. You’re wasting time. If you meet a girl and you’re interested, play hard. It may make sense in your feeble brain to “get to know her” and “get a feel for how she feels about you” but she’s decided within the first 3 seconds of knowing you if you’ll ever get to see her naked, and nothing is ever going to change her mind. However, if you waste a bunch of time “getting to know her” she may decide that “you’re really nice” and if she were to date or screw you, it would get in the way of using you as a shoulder to cry on when her douchebag frat-boy boyfriend stands her up on her birthday to go drinking with his frat-boy buddies. Don’t fall into the trap. Find out right away if she’s interested. If she’s dumped you into the friendzone, you should probably never talk to her again, but at least get your head straight around the idea that you’re never going to see her naked, unless you’re helping her into her wedding dress when she marries her douchebag frat-boy boyfriend and asks you to be the matron of honor. Hope you look good in a pink tuxedo, Nancy. In other advice I should be following myself but aren’t, hit the gym, fatass. If you looked good with your shirt off maybe she wouldn’t dump you on the friend pile in 0.7 seconds. Its either that or resign yourself to a life of celibacy until the unthinkable happens and you meet that one girl who likes you for you (and is probably blind.) Its that or pay for sex, pal. Ain’t life grand?

And guys… friggin’ know when you’ve lost (like I said before, it was in those first 3 seconds.) You’re pretty much ruining it for the rest of us when you go full-on stalker on a girl. Sure, a little light e-stalking on the facebook might give you an up on does and don’t (don’t ask her if she wants to go to the Sizzler if her facebook says shes a vegetarian) but we all know its easy to go overboard with the power of the interwebs. Keep coming on strong and she’s going to think that most guys are weirdo/perverts and she needs to “be more careful.” Like I said, ruining it for everyone. Besides, if you’re one of those stalker dudes, you should probably just die in a fire anyway.

So in summary:

Girls: don’t be bitches. You’re smart enough to know when a guy likes you. If a guy likes you, don’t try to be his friend. Don’t ever agree to “do stuff” with him unless there are going to be at least 8 other people there. Do NOT, EVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, complain about other guys to him. For we are feeble of mind and easily confused, and in most cases we can see what we want to see, if it exists or not. In summary, you’re giving guys THE WRONG IDEA. You have the power to do right. Don’t be a selfish bitch.

Guys: She doesn’t like you. Shes not ever going to like you. Stop dwelling on what a hypocrite she is. Of course shes a fucking hypocrite. It doesn’t matter. Move on. Every second you spend worrying about this girl whose keeping you as her “big brother” is a second you’re wasting NOT meeting the girl with a slave Leia bikini who wants to show you the cool things you can do with a black light and body paint. Don’t be stupid.

In closing:

About The Author


the rotten bastard who runs this shithole and theoretically makes with the funny.

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03 2010

5 Comments Add Yours ↓

The upper is the most recent comment

  1. Scruff #

    They need to pull all the boys aside the first day of kindergarten and tell them this.

  2. vinnybove #

    I remember how that sentiment felt. Guess that’s why I couldn’t help but laugh.

  3. 3

    The clause about “finding that one-in-a-million girl who likes you for you… yeah, that’s you, buddy.

  4. vinnybove #

    Thank you, sir! So, you gonna be there for the big day? Have you gotten my Facebook message?

  5. 5

    I totally forgot to respond to that, didn’t I? It would be an honor and a privilege. I will most certainly be there.

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