Parking Wars

As I’ve said before driving cars is probably one of the most universal experiences we share with each other (as in we all do it TOGETHER, not just we all do it) and the way we treat each other while doing it constantly astounds me. But what goes hand in hand with driving? You guessed it: PARKING.

Apparently no one ever taught your stupid ass how to park.

Lets have a story, shall we? And as with most of my stories, its 100% true! (Remember, Spaz is a liar and should not be trusted.)

So my friends and I (yeah, get over the shock that I have real friends who I interact with in a non-virtual way, dick) meet up once a week at a coffee shop (because we’re not big enough alcoholics to meet at a bar,) but the coffee shop has a small parking lot. Also, its in an area where trendy fitness fanatics like to park their cars so they can go jogging. (Yeah, let that sink in, they drive somewhere to go for a jog. It makes me wish I had a Hummer H1 so I could just mow them down indiscriminately.) So, parking as very much at a premium. Which leads me to the day in question.

I pulled into the lot, and not surprisingly, there were no spaces. Well… there was sort of one spot. There was a sedan half way into it, backed in so that the driver’s side of the car was encroaching onto the spot next to it. After a brief moment of considering the consequences, and the fact that I drive a tiny car, I did what any man with my morals and world view (read: nobody else because most of you are pussies) would do: I backed in next to that car. Although I was just about perfectly centered in the parking spot, my passenger side door was about 3 inches from their driver’s side door. There was no concern that they could dent my car trying to squeeze in, no human could walk between the two cars. I stepped out of my car and took two steps towards the coffee shop when a moment I could only dream about happened.

There was the driver of the other car.

A middle aged white woman was charging towards me.

“How am I supposed to get into my car?!” she demanded. “I don’t know, and I don’t really care!” I replied, speaking nothing but truth. “I didn’t even realize I was parked over the line!” she cried. “I fail to see how that’s my fault or concern.” I replied. “No one else parked me in like that!” I was truly baffled that I should care, but the words were out of my mouth on their own: “Well, I guess not everyone has the guts to stand up to rude people.” She was speechless, so I offered a counter-proposal: “I’ll tell you what: I’ll get into my car, and I’ll pull forward so you can get into your car, move it so it’s only in one spot, and then I’ll back into my spot again.” At this point, her husband, who had made NO move to back her up because he knew that I was 100% in the right to do and say everything I did, took her keys and moved the car, this time turning it around so that the driver’s door was facing away from me. (I like to think my intimidating demeanor comes in handy in situations like these.) He got out, at which point she demanded “No, we are NOT staying here after that!” Good job being indignant after you were called out on being a selfish parker and then being defeated in word-play. I was, that day, a king of men. I think the highlight was when her husband (HER HUSBAND!) refused to stand up for her because she was so god-damned wrong.

Like all my stories, the moral is: don’t be a selfish, ignorant douchebag in your interactions with other people. But no one is going to listen to me anyway. And so the lexicon of the angry internet blog is retained.

About The Author


the rotten bastard who runs this shithole and theoretically makes with the funny.

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08 2010

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  1. vinnybove #

    That…was…EXCELLENT!!!11!!1!!! I had been waiting a long time for you to post something on here, but hoo boy was it worth it!


  1. wayne 27 10 14

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