Guide to shopping for douchebags.
I’m not saying I’m proud of it, but I’ve worked more than my fair share of retail/service industry-type jobs. And I’ve had enough of you fucking people. So here is some shit you oughta know when you go shopping. I would think its common goddamn sense, but apparently its not. So in no particular order:
If the light is off, the register is fucking closed!
Yeah, there’s still some sorry sap standing there ringing up some other asshole’s order. But they’ve turned the light out, that means they’re late to go on their break, or to lunch, or home, or to do something more important than get you out the door 3 seconds faster. Yes, its true that if you jump in that line and say nothing, they’re probably just going to ring you up anyway, but that’s only because they’re not allowed to tell you to go fuck yourself to your face. But seriously, go fuck yourself.
Give the stuff you don’t want to buy to the cashier.
They have a system for dealing with it: Its called throwing it in a box under the register, and its not hard. It’s a lot easier, in fact, than following your sorry ass around the store picking up shit you dropped all over because you changed your mind. And if I catch you leaving frozen food or milk out on some random shelf, I can’t understand why its not legal for me to shove it up your ass.
Don’t take stuff out of the package.
Listen you worthless piece of shit, there’s a whole display of the material those curtains are made out of hanging RIGHT FUCKING THERE so you don’t have to open up the package to grope the fucking product. You know god-damn good and well that nothing short of a miracle will get those curtains back in that fucking package looking the way it did before you got your greasy hands on them. Oh and the fucking icing on the cake is when you grub it all up, throw it on the floor, then go buy an unmolested package! You MUST be aware that the store is NEVER going to be able to sell that opened package, right? Listen, you may as well wipe your ass with it and stuff it in a garbage can. What you’re doing is like stealing, but worse, because NOBODY gets anything. Just fucking stop it.
Yes, they’re closed.
If the store has some sort of food service area, and you go to the food service area, and most of the lights are off, and the person behind the counter is disassembling and cleaning equipment instead of preparing food, guess what, THEY’RE FUCKING CLOSED. Use your god-damned brain for 1 second and stop pestering the help.
We’re not experts.
Don’t expect us to know more about any given product than if we do or do not sell it here. Do you know how many fucking products we carry? In what fucking reality do you expect every person in the store to be an expert on every fucking product? Don’t be surprised if I can’t tell you if that cup is HBA free, I don’t even know or care what HBAs are! I do hope you go home and choke on one, though! And I can’t really tell you which mousetrap works best because I don’t live in a rodent-infested shack like you do. You have to understand that I can’t tell you anything about any given product that’s not clearly written on the label/package. If you’re illiterate, I will read it for you. Don’t expect me to make judgments for you or do your research for you.
CONTROL YOUR FUCKING CHILD.
Listen you hippie bitch, you might think that it’s ok to let little Timmy scream at the top of his lungs for the entire duration of your shopping journey, but I assure you the rest of the world does not. We’re trying to run a fucking business here, and you’re scaring away our customers. Furthermore, you’re a complete failure at parenting and someone should beat the shit out of you. If you can’t talk Timmy into shutting the fuck up, take him out of our god-damned store. I don’t care if you beat him or try to reason with him, just get him the fuck out until he shuts the fuck up.
I don’t care about your problem.
They pay me to pretend I care. They don’t pay me enough. Don’t be surprised by my half-hearted attempt to solve your problem. Go ahead, take your business elsewhere! Why the fuck should I care? If you weren’t here I’d have less work to do.
Just remember. Bad Customer Service starts with Bad Customer. And if it were legal to kill you I probably would.
update:
thanks to DWRD you now can and therefore must “digg” this post: http://digg.com/comedy/Guide_to_Shopping_for_Douchebags