THE ASSHOLE IS YOU (volume 1.)

Ok, this could practically be it’s own blog, but instead its going to be an ongoing series on You know how when you’re out driving, and you’re surrounded by assholes? Guess what.. you don’t realize it, but THE ASSHOLE IS YOU!

We will demonstrate here how through your ignorance and inattentiveness, YOU are the asshole that you’re always annoyed by while driving. You’re no better than them. YOU ARE THEM. Just as much as you think that guy is an asshole, you’re being an asshole to someone else! If your head wasn’t 30 feet up your ass you might realize this.

For simplicities sake, we’ll go with real-life examples, probably as they happen to me on the road, or while riding with other drivers.

So I’m on my commute home from work. On a three lane interstate, two trucks are having “the duel” in the right two lanes, going 5 under, because they’re both assholes. In the left lane, a hippie chick in a beater sedan is driving as fast as the trucks, but about 10ft behind the bumper of the truck in the center lane. I couldn’t even be an asshole and go cut her off to continue on my merry way, although I would have liked to. I hope instead that one of three things will happen:

  • 1: we’ll get to a hill, and the dueling trucks will slow down futher, leading hippie girl to pass the trucks.
  • 2: hippie girl will notice that she’s being an asshole and blocking traffic. I might as well wish that gold nuggets will start raining into my car.
  • 3: My car would sprout missile launchers and I could destroy her.

Any of those would be too much to ask for. Even before the last of my patience wears out, we get yet another asshole introduced to the situation. This asshole is driving an SUV in the left lane about 10mph faster than the speed limit, so 20-25mph faster than this ridiculous rolling road-block I’m dealing with already. His solution: tailgate ME.

Just fucking great. Its not like I’m driving a compact convertible and you can clearly see that the car in front of me, NOT ME, is causing this traffic-jam in the making, NOOOO. But it’s ok, Mister tiny-dick has to express his aggression towards SOMEONE! After a few seconds a hand gesture (that involved more than one finger… again, I’m trying NOT to be THAT ASSHOLE,) gets him to back off, at least for a few seconds.

Mercifully, a hill is approaching. Surely hippie girl will maintain her speed when the dueling trucks slow down even further… but NO… flower-power is afraid to pass them at all! She slows down further. We’re now going 20mph less than the posted speed limit. Tiny-dick in the SUV is now flashing his high-beams… at me. Great job, Sherlock, because I used mental telepathy to make her slow down.

Ok, I’ve had enough. I didn’t want to be THAT ASSHOLE, but Tiny-Dick is moments away from crushing me in his rage. I flash my own high beams at Hippy-Longstockings. Apparently oblivious to the fact that she’s been obstructing traffic for miles and miles, she changes lanes… and gives me the finger. She probably rushed home to blog about how some asshole in a tiny sports car started flashing the brights at her when she was doing nothing wrong but driving along trying to stay away from the big scary trucks!

Moral of the story? We’re ALL assholes. But if you just hang up your fucking phone, look in your god-damned mirrors once in a while, and devote even a tiny portion of your brain to trying to consider the motives of other drivers, you just might have a chance at not being an asshole. And look, I’m not asking you to yield to every driver, never speed, etc… that’d be dumb. But here’s the thing: I haul ass everywhere I go, and I’m not terribly smart, but I still do a manageable job of not pissing off other drivers, and the ones I do piss off usually deserve it. I’m trying not to get all preachy here, but seriously, the problem starts with you. You are not a great driver. I know you think you don’t make mistakes, but you are dead fucking wrong. You’re out there, talking on your cellphone, oblivious to the fact that you’re clogging up the left lane, or preventing that car from getting over to make their exit, or whatever.

Here’s the kicker, people. You don’t have to agree with the way other people drive. Some of them will drive faster than you, some of them will drive slower. LET THEM. Unless you are a police officer (in which case your mandate to generate revenue instead of promoting safety has already compromised whatever honorable intentions you may have once had,) it is NOT your job to make other people drive the way you think they should. Listen, I don’t care if you think you’re going “fast enough,” the guy behind you wants to go faster, and YOU SHOULD LET HIM. Maybe he’s just a speed-racer wannabe asshole, or maybe he just got a call that his mom is in the hospital dying and he wants a chance to say he’s sorry for having been such a fuck-up all his life. You just don’t know, so don’t judge, and don’t try to be the police. Let other drivers do their thing, even if it means you have to exert all the effort it takes to check your mirrors, use your signal, and change lanes. Oh, you poor fucking thing, my heart bleeds for you.

The asshole is you. Only you have the power to stop it.

About The Author


the rotten bastard who runs this shithole and theoretically makes with the funny.

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04 2010

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